Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Fear? Anxiety? Depression? ANSWERS? - My Story
I am writing this blog series dealing with the topic of fear, anxiety, and depression because it is something that I have battled for a very long time. I spent most of my growing up years being worried and anxious about one thing or another. I could never quite get content, always wanting something different, something more. I was never very popular, not good at anything, and kind of a nerd. I always felt like I needed to have a boyfriend so that I was worth something, but any guy that actually sort of like me would go out with me for a little while and then break up with me, some time's for no reason at all. I was annoying, my voice bothered him, his friends were making fun of him, or he just really didn't ever like me, he was just playing a game. (Do you have any idea what it feels like always be the one getting dumped, never ever the one doing the dumping? This excruciating truth in my life is why I counsel girls all the time to wait until they are ready to get married and find a husband, don't just date around. Guard your heart now while you're young so you don't have these unnecessary insecurities going into marriage!) My entire growing up years were drowned in abandonment and insecurities.
I firmly believe that these events have shaped my psyche to be a prime target for Satan's attacks on the battlefield that is my mind. Day after day he tries to tell me I'm no good, nobody really wants me, I'll never be any good to any body. And day after day I'm faced with the choice: succumb to the lies of the devil, or fill my heart with Truth and trust God and what He says about me.
I am now married (going on 14 years) to a man who loves me unconditionally, I have 3 amazing kids, a fantastic church home, and a successful business. People tell me all the time how strong I am to be able to do all that I do in homeschooling, running a business, running a ministry at church, being a wife and homemaker, and once in a while putting on some makeup! I hear this kind of praise almost daily from someone or other, and I have no response. Because, underneath the makeup, underneath the almost stylish clothes, under my professionally colored long hair, and under the surface of all the things I seem to be able to juggle, sits that little insecure girl that Satan is badgering with lies.... "you'll never succeed.... you're kids are going to suffer because of your work.... Homeschool? What makes you qualified?.... You can't minister to women, you haven't had enough experience yet.... no body wants you... lies, lies, LIES LIES!"
Yes, I know they are lies and I praise God that He has brought me to the place that I can finally have a little bit of understanding into who I am, how He made me, and the Truth to deal with the lies. I've learned that these lies aren't going to go away. This is my weak spot and Satan knows it. He will keep attacking me as long as I am a threat to him. But I have chosen to trust in Someone who is bigger and infinitely stronger than the devil. I know that I have been chosen by God alone, and He loves me always and forever. He not only loves me, but He cares about my day to day struggle with these attacks. He never promises me an easy road, but He does promise to carry me when I'm weak.
Paul talks about having a thorn in the flesh that he asks to be taken from him. Finally he accepts that it will never be taken from him, he has to live with it and choose to love God and serve God in the midst of it. I don't know if that thorn in his flesh was an attack from Satan, a weak spot, or if it was a physical impairment, but I do know that God doesn't always remove our problems. What he desires is that I choose to love Him and serve Him and OBEY Him when these attacks come. I cannot stop Satan from firing off his darts at me, but I can absolutely defend them with the shield of faith from the armor of God. (Ephesians 6) That's what I intend to share in the following blogs. Scripture after scripture of truths from God's Word that have taught me to combat Satan's lies. Scriptures that explain the root of anxiety and depression, that offer answers for how we are supposed to deal with it, and give hope for overcoming it.